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Nestle SA works to trace stolen infant formula - Eyewitness News 24 Nov 09

Nestle South Africa said on Tuesday it cannot guarantee the safety of some of its infant formula after a batch was stolen from its factory in Harrismith. The food manufacturer was working with police to trace the 12 000 cans of NAN, Pelargon and Lactogen products as well as the culprits behind the theft. The company was recommending that the particular products not be consumed, because it could not guarantee what had happened to them outside the factory’s strict quality controls.

The batch numbers were 91810179l1, 90670179b1, 91840179b1 and 83460179.

Click here to read the article

Adi, from The Party Pros ( ww.thepartypros.co.za ), recommends these TOP-10-TIPS for planning the perfect toddler's party:

• Keep the party simple.
• Don't go overboard on the sweets/food and take into account choking and allergies.
• Make sure the venue you use has age appropriate equipment that is close to the adults food area, so you can keep an eye on your child and perhaps have a conversation and a cup of coffee.
• Keep the party time to about 2 to 2 1/2 hours max.
• Keep the activities unstructured. Kids this age like more free play. Imagine the tantrum your toddler is going to throw if you have to drag him from his favourite sandpit spot to do something else.   Suitable activities would be ballponds, playdough, sandpits, messy play.
• Try and work it around your child's naps.
• Keep the party packs age appropriate and remember they don't have to be extravagant. If you choose not to go with party packs, stick to your convictions and don't be swayed. Its very much a personal thing.
• Keep present opening for when everyone has gone home. Little party guests don't really understand the concept of giving away stuff.
• Try to avoid expectations. You may have spent months planning and organising the perfect party and then your little one suddenly decides to sleep through the festivities or has a complete melt down 10 minutes in and decides this is a day not to be happy. Toddlers are unpredictable, try not to take this personally.
• Most of all, ENJOY the party, there are many more to come.  Baby massage instructor and childbirth

Educator, Tina Otte, has these top tips on baby massage:

• Always massage baby when you and baby are feeling relaxed. This is NOT another chore!
• Make sure you can remain undisturbed for at least 15 minutes.
• The room must be comfortably warm and not too hot or too cool.
• Use a good baby oil or cold compressed oil such as grape seed or sunflower oil.
• Massage is all about Intentional Touch. As long as it is done with love and sensitivity, you can't go wrong.
• Always massage in a clockwise direction on the abdomen.
• The effects of not feeding a baby are easily apparent. The effects of not touching a baby are not. Touch and hold your baby a lot!
• When you massage your baby go slowly, with firm pressure.
• Try and maintain eye contact throughout.
• Use this time to do a little exercise with baby and sing to your baby as well.
• You are not only building a healthy body, you are building a brighter, better brain!

 

And here's the How-To top tips for Wills and Trusts:

Ashraff Kahn of Standard Bank has top 5 points to address in your Will:

• Make sure your Will is up to date and valid.
• Appoint a guardian to look after your minor children.
• Make provision for a Trust in your Will to protect the inheritance of your children.
• Make sure you have cash in your estate for the Trust and to pay debt.
• Speak to an expert at your bank or visit our website: www.Standardbank.co.za

 

Ann Christian, from the Imageteam, has these top-tips on how to look 5kg lighter:

• DO dress to show off all your best features and try and hide the not so good!
• DO wear the correct underwear, adjust your bra straps regularly
• DO have a colour analysis so that wear the correct colours
• DO have a good easy to maintain hair style and colour that suits your lifestyle
• DO have a wardrobe that works for you, take the stress out of getting dressed
• DON'T be tempted to sit around in your gown all day
• DON'T give up on making an effort daily to look and feel good
• DON'T leave the house without accessorizing your outfit.
• DON'T ever give up on feeling and looking sexy

QUESTIONS TO ASK WHEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT PLAY SCHOOL:

• Are there any pre-school regulatory bodies?
• Is there a limit to the number of children a playschool should have?
• Is there a limit to class size?
• What are the laws for play schools in terms of safety, hygiene, number of children attending the school? (if a playschool has more than 6 kids, playschool must be registered with dept of health).
• What should the adult-to-child ratio be?
• Do playschools cater for children with special dietary requirements?
• What options for pre-schooling are available for special needs children?
• What are the important things to look out for during a school inspection?
• What does the average play / pre-school charge per month?
• What extra-mural activities does the playschool offer?
• Can a parent expect to pay for extra mural activities?
• What meals do they provide for kids?
• Are there monitoring bodies that inspect playschool set ups regarding safety and discipline?
• Is the playground well equipped and laid out? Is it stimulating, functional and safe?
• What discipline methods are suitable for playschools?
• Length of time in operation and reputation?
• Accreditation?
• Childrearing philosophy similar to yours?
• The happiness of the other children?
• Security measures?
• Procedures in case of emergency?
• Qualifications and experience of staff/day-mother?
• Educational activities and facilities?
• Space?
• Hygiene and baby safety?
• Policy regarding accepting sick children?
• Feeding schedules (on-demand or scheduled)?
• Operating hours?
• Facilities for babies to sleep?
• Flexibility?
• Parent involvement?
• Kindness and responsiveness of care providers?

Useful tips from 'the how to show'

Anti-crime toolkit Show
For more information regarding how to successfully handle a hijack situation, please contact Eugene Herbert at eugene@masterdrive.co.za and request a toolkit

Top time-management tips:
1.    Be flexible with some things, but put boundaries in place with others (for example: make your daily schedule written in stone).
2.    Always have an emergency bag packed (eg. A spare handbag, kiddy's bag with clothes).
3.    GOLDEN RULE - Always add 20-30 minutes to every hour you think it'll take to get ready!

How-to get rid of hair lice:
1.    Always choose non-toxic products (many products on the market are so bad for kids).
2.    A lice comb can be used to find some of the lice, but product needs to be used to effectively get rid of the lice.
3.    Lice only stay on hair, so there's no need to wash all bed linen, etc.

How-to take great photos of your kids:
1.    If it's a planned photo-shoot, make sure they are well fed and rested.
2.    The child must have something to hold on to, or be lying down (little ones like lying on their tummy).
3.    Keep the lens at the same level as child's eyes.
4.    Interact with the child; be funny and playful yourself, if you want them to be happy.
5.    A good tip is to keep the sun behind them, then use a flash to avoid shadows and make their eyes shine.
6.    In terms of composition; their eyes must be about 1/3 from the top of the frame, and if they are positioned to the side of the frame then they must look towards the lens.

How-to look fab in 5 mins:
HAIR
1.    Keep your hair well-cut and styled at the salon; approx every 6-12 weeks.
2.    If your hair is long - keep it clean, it's best to have a fringe, a straightening iron is a great asset.
3.    If your hair is short - with a hair-dryer blow and brush down your hair in it's natural direction, then use great products to define.
FACE
1.    Use a good base the correct shade for your skin: just a light layer of base evens out blemishes and colour.
2.    Lips - for colour use soft dabs (with the tip of your finger) of the lipstick on to lips (no hard lines).
3.    Cheeks - you can use the same lipstick you use on your lips as blush. Dab it on and BLEND WELL!
4.    For perfect eye-brows - make sure they're plucked and well-defined as they are the frame to your eyes, you can then possibly use dark eye shadow to enhance shape.

How-to say 'NO' to your toddler, so that they listen!:
1.    Pick your battles (eg. Your toddler is going to touch a plug - that's a definite 'NO').
2.    Drop to their level, look them in their eyes and say a firm 'NO'.
3.    Count to 3, if you get to 3 then give them time-out (either a 'naughty chair' or a 'time-out corner').
4.    FOLLOW - THROUGH, no matter how much they object, scream or cry!
5.    Then go through the process again if need be - PERSEVERE.

How-to pack a healthy snack box, 5 days in a row:
1.    ½ of the meal or snack box must be fruit and vegetables (use seasonal fruit and vegetables).
2.    ¼ of the meal or snack box must be non-refined carbohydrates (these are fuel for the body). Portion size: enough for the child to hold in his/her hand (eg. 3 Provitas, 1 slice of low GI or wholewheat bread, 1 cup of popcorn, ½ a pita bread, 2 crumpets).
3.    ¼ of the meal or snack box must be protein (this is used to build the body). Portion size: enough for the child to hold in his/her hand (eg. 1 small tub of low-fat yoghurt, few pieces of low-fat cheese, chicken, a smoothie made from low-fat milk & low-fat yoghurt, baked beans, nuts).
4.    Add to this, one small portion of beneficial fat.  Portion size: size of palm of child's hand (eg. ¼ avocado).

Great Expectation at the Jo'burg Baby Expo

Sam and the Great Expectations team had a great time at The Baby Expo at the Coca-Cola Dome in Johannesburg from the 14th-17th of May. Visitors to the expo got a chance to meet Sam, take a seat on our set and be on camera!

We won Best Stand at the expo and Best Sponsor (Platinum), but more importantly we had a wonderful time meeting our mums and mums-to-be. Look out for clips of the expo in future programmes!

Sam chatting to new parents	Lights, camera, action - our stand became a studio.	Our awarding-winning stand at The Baby Expo
Sam signing copies of her new book	Great Expectations team member Bianca with her baby and our official mascot, Jordan.	Seeing double! Sam has her hands full with two sets of twins...

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF PND

• Tearfulness
• Inadequacy
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Helplessness
• Hopelessness
• Reduced appetite
• Reduced interest
• Oversensitivity
• Irrational fears and fantasies about herself or baby
• Feeling out of control

10 – 40% of South African women experience PND

If you feel that you or someone you know is suffering from these symptoms, please get in touch with PNDSA (Post Natal Depression South Africa). Also, there is a full checklist on the PNDSA website where you can check your symptoms.

Contacts for PNDSA

Website: www.pndsa.co.za

National helpline: 082 8820072

C.T: 021 797 4498

Email: info@pndsa.org.za

G.P: 011 786 8803 (Debbie Levin)

Email: pndsagauteng@gmail.com

Smart tips to manage your weight

Firstly - to be a mother must be the most beautiful gift in the world! What a privilege. Most mothers - however give up "themselves" and ignore their personal needs during the journey of motherhood. It is important to remember that a healthy, happy mommy = a healthy, happy family! So by taking a few steps to look after your health you will see the ripple effects it has in terms of benefiting the entire family!

Good news - eating is non - negotiable! Which means you HAVE to eat for this reason I encourage you to become friends with the idea that "food can by thy medicine". Good nutrition can assist you with weight loss/management to craving control to reducing bloating to mood elevation and generally to how you feel on the whole!

1. Key pointers to losing weight

• It's about the soul and the way you think: Think lifestyle versus DIET - diets do not work. Diets set you up for failure as they are restrictive and difficult to sustain. Focus on getting your thoughts to play a more positive / supportive role. How you think will determine your success or failure. If you believe "this way of eating probably won't work" - then it definitely won't! So start from today a new way of thinking - believe that YOU are worth it.
• Having a clear vision makes the process a lot easier. Take before photos of yourself (front, side and back) and have a good hard look. Visualize daily the NEW you, the NEW body and especially visualize the way you will feel when you lose the weight you need and want to!
• Small steps: Don't try to do the all - or - nothing approach to dieting. Rather make 2 - 3 reasonable changes to your lifestyle and make them habits over time.
• Keep a food diary: For a week or two - write down everything you eat and drink (and why you are eating it). Ideally work through this with a registered dietician. Awareness is the key to change and success!
• Eat regularly. 5 smaller meals spaced throughout the day will help to boost your metabolic rate as well as manage inappropriate food cravings.
• Don't skip meals. Starving yourself actually slows down your metabolism and encourages your body to store more fat as a survival mechanism!
• Drink more water: Drinking your correct water quota not only helps prevent headaches and food cravings but is very necessary for healthy metabolism of food

How much water to drink: this is just a guideline:
Weight (Kg) rounded UP to nearest 10. Divide by 10. Add 2 = X amount of 250ml glasses water. E.g. if you weigh 84kg round up to 90. Divide by 10 makes 9. Add 2 which makes 11 glasses of water.

2. Key habits to get into for the whole family

Eat breakfast within 2 hours of waking daily. Probably the most important habit to form. Eating breakfast boosts your metabolic rate and manages late afternoon cravings.

Cut down on unhealthy fats and boost intake of healthy fats

• Remove all visible skin and fat from meat and chicken BEFORE cooking
• Choose lean cuts of meat, chicken and fish - try GAME such as ostrich (very low in saturated fat)
• Avoid frying - rather "dry fry" using MSG free vegetable stock or even a little wine.
  Experiment with other cooking methods such as steaming, baking, grilling and roasting
• Read labels and aim for products with <5g fat per 100g
• Include small portions of the fats that are good for you:
• You should be having about 1 - 2 fats per main meal.

Save on the drinks

• Avoid fruit juice, energy drinks and also flavoured waters. They all contain lots of sugar and have unnecessary kilojoules.
• Reduce your sugar in your coffee and tea.
• Drink low kilojoule cordials such as lecol, herbal teas and plenty of water.
• Try to drink 2 cups of green tea per day (tea bag steeped for 2 minutes per cup) - shown to boost metabolism.

Vegetables/salad: To bulk up your meals - ensure that half your plate is filled with vegetables/salad at
least twice a day. Fruit: natures wonder food - about 2 - 3 per day.

Choose the RIGHT carbohydrates: Go low Glycaemic Index (GI)

• Choosing carbohydrates that are slowly released into the blood stream (e.g. seed loaf bread,
  provitas, all bran flakes, oatbran, sweet potato, brown rice, legumes, chickpeas, fruits
  and vegetables, fat free yoghurts) will control blood sugar and insulin levels and boost weight loss.
• Try the recipe book EATING FOR SUSTAINED ENERGY by G Steenkamp and L Delport for healthy ideas.

Alcohol in moderation - alcohol slows down the way the body metabolises fat.
For optimal weight loss try to avoid alcohol altogether, but if you must then limit to about 1 unit per day:
1 unit = 120ml wine; 340ml beer; 25ml spirits          Aim for 3 - 4 alcohol free days per week.
Breastfeeding mums - NO ALCOHOL!

3. Ensure that all meals are balanced and energizing by using the meal structure below:

POST PREGNANCY EXERCISE TIPS ~ WENDY VERMAAK, BIOKINETICIST

Important tips!

• Before embarking on a new exercise regime, get clearance from your gynae or doctor. Post pregnancy exercise should only be started at 6 weeks post pregnancy to be safe.
• Do activities that you enjoy, that will help you keep motivated.
• Always warm up before your exercise session to prevent injury.
• Stretch your muscles either at the beginning or at the end of your session to keep flexible and injury free.
• Never overstretch. Due to the hormone Relaxin still in your system, your ligaments will be more flexible, and overstretching may cause injury.
• Do combinations of short spurts of vigorous cardiovascular exercise, with intervals of short sets of resistance exercise between, for example: Jog on the spot for 2 minutes
  Do 2 sets of 10 stomach crunches or sit ups
  Do 2 sets of ladies push ups
  Then jog for 2 minutes again and so on.
  This has been proven to be the most effective way to burn off the jelly belly!
• Avoid overheating, wear comfortable, sweat absorbent clothing.
• Drink plenty of water.
• Never exercise to the point of exhaustion - you still need to look after your baby!
• Sit or lie down immediately if ever you're feeling dizzy.
• Keep breathing during exercise; don't ever hold your breath.
• Should you experience pain, dizziness, severe nausea, or cramping, cease to exercise and contact your caregiver.
• Always eat a small snack after exercise to replenish your blood glucose levels.
• If experiencing lower back pain, or pain in your pubic bone, contact a Biokineticist for treatment and for adjustment of your exercise programme.
• Aim to do 3 or 4 exercise sessions per week.
• For mom's who have tender breasts and need support, wear 2 bras for extra support.
• Don't forget to still work on those kegels/ pelvic floor!!!

Remember, a fit strong mommy copes better with fatigue and stress. She has a better body image, and is more emotionally sound. Exercise can add a social dimension too.

These are the delicious recipes that were prepared and discussed on our 'Kiddie cook - off' show

Click here to view all our delicious recipes!

Welcome To The World

We have a show coming up on Great Expectations looking at how different cultures welcome babies to the world - christenings, naming ceremonies and so on. We're calling all mums to send us home videos of their special ceremonies on Mini DV or DVD format, and possibly also be a guest on our show which is due early next year. Please send footage to : Great Expectations 5 Summit Road, Hyde Park, 2196.

The Nursery Makeover Show

Great Expectations' Nursery Makeover Show on June 17 2008 was a very special event. We received many entrants, nominating mums who needed a baby room makeover. After much deliberation, we choose a winner and a runner-up.

Fozia Watson, who was nominated by her husband, was our runner-up. She won baby clothes and a cot from The Baby Company, to the value of R1500; a hamper of goodies from us at Great Expectations; linen for a cot from interior designer Gugu Leeuw and paint for her room from our makeover team Holly and Jack. She has all she needs now to make little 9 month old Nasrud-Deen's room really special!

Our winning mum was Melanie Kruger, mum to 6 month old baby Candice. Melanie was nominated by her mother-in-law Jennifer Kruger. Melanie is very ill with a blood disorder, and is on heavy drugs for her condition. She was advised to terminate her pregnancy but simply could not. She sought a number of different medical opinions and found a doctor who helped her through her pregnancy. Melanie and Candice – a special mum and daughter – deserved a very special room.

Enter design specialists Holly and Jack. Lyn Leventhorpe and Tanya Rivkind-Manoim set to work straight away, choosing a garden theme to brighten up an old, dark room in Melanie's house. Walls were brightened up with green paint and flower patterns, and a white picket fence was also painted on the walls to bring the garden inside. They repainted old items, spruced up some shop-bought goodies, covered a chair in a delightful polka-dot fabric and created a beautiful space for baby Candice.

Our thanks to the kind sponsors who made this magical transformation possible: The Baby Company, Holly and Jack; Mega Mica Eastgate, SAI Carpets, Shazi Cazi for the curtains and soft furnishings and Biggie Best for the armchair.



Shannon Eggers - Play Therapist

Shannon Eggers is a Play Therapist in Private Practice. Shannon provides therapeutic support and intervention to children facing behavioural and emotional challenges. In addition to this Shannon works with parents who require support and advice on child development and parental guidance.

Sibling Rivalry

Introduction

Sibling rivalry can cause many parents and caregivers a great deal of stress and often leaves them wondering where it is that they have failed as parents. Perhaps a good starting point is to begin by sharing with you that sibling rivalry is a normal phenomenon that occurs within families and that it is quite acceptable that thoughts, needs and desires of family members will differ and clash at times.

While sibling relationships can be volatile and complex it is important to acknowledge that there are positive aspects to sibling relationships. Siblings provide each other with love, support, a sense of security and a sense of continuity especially during times of change or stress. Siblings also encourage moral development in each other as they grapple with concepts such as justice and fairness from their earliest interactions with each other.

Of course knowing that sibling rivalry is a normal phenomenon will not necessarily mean that you will automatically have a better understanding of why siblings seem to trigger intense reactions in each other. Let's take a moment to explore some of the factors that are triggers for rivalry.

The roots of sibling rivalry

There are many factors which can trigger and contribute to sibling rivalry. It is likely that more than one factor will have a role to play in each family's dynamics.

A. Competition for parental love and attention

In families where there is more than one child it is safe to say that there will be rivalry between siblings to attain the exclusive love and attention of their parents. In simplest terms, parents are responsible for the physical and emotional survival of their off-spring, they provide food, shelter and safety and a sense of belonging, worth and being special. In light of the fact that the mere existence of a sibling results in competition for these resources it is not surprising that children will utilise a great amount of time and energy in order to ensure that they can have more or preferably most of the resources available. Siblings are therefore exceptionally attuned to how parental resources are shared amongst them and may well to some extent be jealous of the sibling's relationship with the parents.

B. Sibling rivalry plays a role in identity formation

Sibling rivalry amongst young children has a very important role to play in each child establishing their own identity. Through the push and pull of sibling interactions each sibling learns about their strengths and weaknesses and what makes them unique. The competition for power between siblings also allows them to experiment with asserting themselves and gaining self-respect. In conclusion a healthy degree of sibling rivalry is actually beneficial.

C. Comparing children

If most parents or caregivers are entirely honest they will admit to comparing the children in their lives. Parents may compare with the very best intention of motivating their child to behave optimally but whether the comparison is an approval (you are far better behaved than your brother) or a criticism (your brother is far better behaved than you are) the parent is failing to see the child as a unique individual with their own strengths and weaknesses. Remember your children are using their sibling interactions to learn how to assert themselves as individuals, by comparing their strengths and weaknesses you are creating the impression that one is better than the other and feeding the rivalry. It is best to avoid comparisons at all costs, rather address the issue at hand without making comparisons (I do not like the way you are behaving right now). You would do well to discourage your children from making comparisons as well, most parents would have heard a younger or older sibling saying something to this effect “I am never naughty like him, hey mom?”, in these instances it is best to respond with a statement such as “this is not about who is naughty or who is good, this is about what is happening right now”. Teachers, extended family and family friends should also be encouraged not to compare children, all children are different.

D. Shared space

In light of the fact that siblings live in the same home it can at times be difficult to disengage from their intense feelings towards each other. Having to share space and toys continuously can cause a great deal of friction especially if children are at different ages or have very different personalities. It may be helpful to consider how each child can have a “private space” that is off limits to their siblings. In family homes where space is limited you may need to be creative by creating a private corner partitioned off by a bookshelf or by ensuring that your child has a cupboard or box that is for their precious things and that is off-limits to siblings. Privacy is often more important to older siblings and younger siblings must therefore be encouraged to understand and respect this to avoid unnecessary fighting.

E. Home is where we let it all out

Home is generally the place where we feel safe and comfortable enough to be ourselves, the place where we can vent anger and frustrations that we are often very careful about containing in other places. Home is often the place where children are more inclined to push the boundaries and experiment with new behaviours. Keeping this in mind may help you remain calm and sane when you wonder why your children never or seldom behave this way at school or at friend's houses.

F. Different personalities (temperaments)

Individual personalities have a significant role to play in sibling rivalry. Siblings with distinctly different temperaments may find it very difficult to relate to each other. One sibling may be loving and gentle while the other may be distant and indifferent. Parents may find these differences very puzzling but remember that we are all unique individuals with our own strengths and weaknesses. Different temperaments may also cause clashes between children and parents and your children will be aware of this, parents to need to model for their children how differences in temperaments can be managed rather than being allowed to be a constant source of conflict.

G. Changes in the family

Families are dynamic and ever changing and changes can have a direct impact on the nature and intensity of sibling rivalry. The arrival of a new sibling, a sibling moving into a new stage of life, divorce, grief and bereavement, moving home, remarrying, and the addition of stepsiblings to the family unit are all factors which may impact on stress levels and interactions between siblings.



Dealing with sibling rivalry

There are no once off solutions or quick fixes to dealing with sibling rivalry, the best that parents or caregivers can do is to accept that sibling rivalry exists, do their best to understand it and establish healthy boundaries around the manner in which the rivalry is expressed. Rivalry can't be eliminated but it can be controlled so that it doesn't cause lasting damage to sibling relationships and the personal development of your children. A good starting point is to realise that sibling rivalry must be taken seriously and needs to be handled with empathy and understanding.

Faber (1987) suggests that to begin with it might be a good idea for parents to make notes while siblings are fighting as this will help you and them to become aware of exactly what is happening. These notes can later be used to relay the story back to older children once the argument is over or can be used to help parents act the scene out with dolls or toys for younger children so that they can gain an awareness of the sequence of events that lead up to the conflict and what the consequences of their actions are. When relaying the story to your children state only the objective facts, no comparing, naming, blaming or shaming, this needs to be an empowering exercise.

I would even suggest that you make a few notes on how the rivalry between your children makes you feel, there is a very good chance that your children's arguing will remind you of how you and your siblings interacted and how your parents responded. Take some time to reflect on your own feelings and how they influence your reaction to the rivalry between your children.

Example: Ben, I could see that Sophie was playing with the blocks and that you wanted to play too. Sophie I can see that you are very angry because you wanted to play alone and you feel like Ben has interrupted your game. Ben when Sophie told you to leave the blocks alone that made you feel frustrated because you were disappointed about not being allowed to play. I can see that these feelings have resulted in an argument and lots of angry feelings toward each other, how can we do this better next time.

Brainstorm ideas with your children:

We can't get involved in a game the other person is playing until we have asked politely if we can play as well If we want to play alone we need to say politely I would prefer to play alone could you rather have a turn after me If someone would prefer to play alone we need to respect this

Showing empathy and understanding and acknowledging your children's emotions will make a significant impact in terms of alleviating their hostile feelings towards each other. We all experience hostile feelings towards others, this is a natural part of being a human being with emotions, hostile or angry feelings need to be expressed. However, as parents we can put healthy boundaries into place with regard to how hostile or angry feelings may be expressed. Children need to be allowed to own their angry feelings.

Suggestions for healthy boundaries:

I can see that you have angry feelings right now however you may not a) hurt each other or yourselves b) swear or call each other names c) break things. You may deal with your angry feelings by a) saying how you feel b) asking a grown up to help if you can't manage the problem yourself c) take your angry feelings out on a pillow, punch bag or similar identified object. Older children could draw a cross picture or write an angry letter and then destroy it.

If you set boundaries upfront and all your children know what these boundaries are then there is no room for negotiation and dispute when you need to step in and manage the rivalry.

Faber has a series of steps that parents may want to keep on hand when dealing with sibling rivalry.

• Identify the feeling (I can see that you are furious)
• Identify the wish (I know that you would like to lash out right now and hit your brother)
• Stop the hurtful action (We have a rule in this home about hurting ourselves and others)
• Channel into verbal expression (Can you put your angry feelings into words)
• Channel into symbolic or creative activity (Can we find an activity to help you express these angry feelings or let's get your angry pillow so we can work on these feelings))

Younger children may prefer to carry out the creative or symbolic activity in the presence of parents so that they know that their feelings have been taken seriously.

Research has shown that the more frequently parents intervene the more frequently children fight.

Faber offers some very clear and simple guidelines with regard to parents' reactions to children's fighting.

Level 1: Normal Bickering

• Ignore it. Think about something else.
• Convince yourself that the children are having an important experience in conflict solving

Level 2: Situation heating up: Adult intervention might be helpful

• Acknowledge their anger towards each other. (There are a lot of angry feelings between the two of you.)
• Listen to each side and reflect each child's point of view without taking sides. (Ben, I hear that Sophie was playing with the blocks and that you wanted to play too. Sophie I can hear that you are very angry because you wanted to play alone and you feel like Ben has interrupted your game. Ben when Sophie told you to leave the blocks alone that made you feel frustrated because you were disappointed about not being allowed to play.)
• Describe the problem with respect and show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. (This is a difficult situation, there are two of you and only one set of blocks)
• Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution. (I think the two of you are probably clever enough to come up with a plan that will be fair to both of you)
• Leave the room. Remember if you don't leave the room you are indicating that you don't have confidence in the children to resolve the matter on their own.

Level 3: Situation possibly dangerous

• Inquire is this a play fight or a real fight? (Play fights are permitted, real fights are not)
• Let the children know the rule: Play fighting is by mutual consent (If it's not fun for both, it has to stop) Hopefully by now you have managed to establish a few basic house rules that are non negotiable such as you may not a) hurt each other or yourselves b) swear or call each other names c) break things.

Level 4: Situation definitely dangerous. Adult intervention necessary.

• Describe what you see, mentioning feeling. (I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other)
• Separate the children: Send the children to different rooms and keep them apart until both have cooled down. This time out is not so much a punishment as a cool down period. (I can see you two are too upset to stay together. I am going to help you to cool down. You need a break from each other. Quick, go to your room and you to yours). If you have a fair idea of how long it usually takes your children to cool down, a timer can be set.

If you and your partner have different ideas about how to handle sibling rivalry you need to come to an agreement between yourselves so that you do not contradict each other in front of your children. You don't want to find yourselves in a position where your children are able to play their parents off against one another.

It is also important that as the parent or caregiver that you manage your angry feelings optimally. It is unrealistic to think that you will never get angry and when you do it is a great opportunity to model for your children how to manage difficult feelings. If you need time out to cool down, take the time and explain to your children what it is that you are doing.

I always remind parents that if you are trying something for the first time that there are bound to be successes and failures. You need to remember that putting boundaries into place and monitoring your responses to sibling rivalry will take practice. When you succeed as a family acknowledge the success and when you fall short acknowledge the failure and commit to try again – this is life and parenting in motion.



Reading list for parents:

• Siblings without rivalry by A. Faber and E Mazlish
• Loving Each One Best by N. Samalin
• Sibling Rivalry by R. Woolfson
• Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love: What Every Brother and Sister Needs their Parents to Know by Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson
• Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring, and Compassionate by Peter Goldenthal

Reading list for children aged 4 to 8 years:

www.madisonpubliclibrary.org/youth/booklists/siblings.html

• Cameron and Me by Dorothy Joan Harris
  Young Cameron's older brother is upset because of all the attention Cameron is getting and wishes Cameron wasn't around. Big brother decides to run away until a new baby girl arrives. Cameron's brother realizes that his little brother will need his bigger brother to stay around for support.
• Good Girl, Gracie Growler! by Hilda Offen
  Although Gracie's new baby brother gets a great deal of attention from adults, it doesn't bother Gracie because the baby only has eyes for her.
• I Wish My Brother Was a Dog by Carol Diggory Shields
  An older sibling imagines how much better it would be if his brother Andy were a dog instead of a baby, doing tricks and going outside when he got too noisy.
• I'd Rather Have an Iguana by Heidi Stetson Mario
  When her mom brings home a new baby, a little girl thinks she would rather have an iguana until she starts to get to know her baby brother.
• The Lapsnatcher by Bruce Coville
  After he talks with an adult who was once a lapsnatcher, Jacob begins to feel differently about his new baby sister.